Jeopardy: Famous Literary Characters Week
by Garbage and City Lights
Summary: WAH HAH HAH! Gangsters and buzzers and Draco, oh my! Well, this is a parody of Jeopardy, and--as you can see--with famous literary characters. More to come, with many a character in store! Just read it, people, or Vinnie and Frankie'll break your knees!


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I don't own Lord of the Flies, I don't own Jeopardy, I don't own Alex Trebek, I don't own any references to "Kiss Me, Kate!" ...in fact, I don't own anything except me. Oh, and the gangsters, Vinnie and Frankie. They might be from Cole Porter's aforementioned musical, but they live in _my _closet. *smile, smile* Anywhos... just promise not to sue me for making money off of these people, because I don't... obviously. If I made money off of anything, would I be here talking to you right now? ...HECK, NO! I'd be in the Bahamas with 40 gorgeous men wearing '40s gangsters outfits--AND FEDORAS! WAH HAH HAH! ...but anyway, onward! To the fic!  
  
(cool Jeopardy music plays. Lights on stage rise, announcer is heard)  
  
Announcer:Welcome to Jeopardy! And here's your host, Alex Tre--  
(he's interrupted by a voice)  
Voice:Hold it, hold it! There's a change in today's show. Mr. Trebek isn't the host.  
  
A:Uh... he's not?  
  
V:Nope! Seeing as he's bound and gagged in the janitorial closet, I'll be taking over! (papers rustle, there's a low whisper) That's my name. Don't mispronounce it.  
  
A:...okay. And here's your host, Meagan Weibler!  
  
V:(hiss) It's Wiebler, you moron! (a blond teenage girl trots out onstage anyway, smiling and waving. She waits for applause; there's not much. She scowls and presses a button on a small box that lights up the sign reading, "Applause, please." She waits longer. When none comes, she growls and presses another button, lighting up _another _sign that reads, "If you don't applaud I'll send in Pauly Shore, you twits!" Roaring applause follows.) Thank you, thank you. (she grins and takes her place behind the cool podium-thingy) Hello, everybody! This week, our show's theme is "famous literary characters". Today we have--and who couldn't love them--characters from Harry Potter!  
(more applause from audience, lights by contestants raise. There's a black-haired boy with glasses, a pale boy with blond hair, and a golden-haired man with a freakishly large smile)  
  
M:Let's meet our contestants. First we have Harry Potter. Hello, Harry!  
  
Harry:Um... hi, Meagan.  
  
M:So... (she drums her fingers on the table and grins) ...how are things?  
  
H:..."how are things"? (he frowns, then shifts uncomfortably) Why am _I_ up here? Hermione's a lot smarter than me.  
  
M:Because people love you and have no trouble pronouncing your name. (she smiles brightly)  
(an indignant "Hey!" is heard from the audience, followed by an embarrassed "Sit _down_, Hermione!")  
M:Our next contestant is--(she pauses, then lets out an excited giggle)--the King of Pale, Sun-Deprived Males--Draco Malfoy!  
(little applause from audience, but Meagan claps furiously)  
Draco:...look, my dad made me come, so don't expect me to know anything.  
  
M:No problem, sugarbunny! (she beams and waves)  
  
D:(blushes a little and pretends to inspect his fingernails)  
  
M:Now our last contestant. Gilderoy--  
(a 'bing' interrupts her. Gilderoy looks up, sheepish)  
Gilderoy: The button was shiny. It had my reflection in it. Sorry.  
  
M:(stares at him) Uh... yeah. Gilderoy Lockhart!  
(Lockhart waves... a few women squeal, but the rest of the audience 'boos')  
M:Anyway... now that we've met our contestants, let's see the categories.  
(cut to gameboard. Cool 'bing'-y noises precede each category)  
M:(bing) Round, Shimmery Objects--(bing)--Not So Good Guys--(bing)--Boring Things--(bing)--Curses and Bad Stuff Like That--(bing)--Famous pigs--(bing)--and Gum. (Meagan smiles, but another 'bing' follows. She frowns as the 'bings' keep on comin') HEY! STOP THAT! (one more 'bing' is heard, then it's silent)  
  
D:(blink) ...that was weird.  
  
M:Yeah, I'm gonna cream that stupid sound FX guy... now, who wants to go first? Harry?  
  
H:I--  
  
M:(cutting him off) No? How about you, Draco? (she beams at him)  
  
D:I... yeah, sure. I'll take Not So Good Guys for 200. (bing)  
  
M:Your answer is: A snotty rich guy who's a Death Eater that everyone hates.  
(bing)  
D:Ooh, ooh, I know! My dad!  
  
M:(pause... bites her lip uncertainly; whispers) Question, sweetie.  
  
D:Who is my bastard of a dad?  
  
M:(throws her hands into the air) Right! Pick again!  
  
D:Hm... (looks to be enjoying himself now) I'll take Famous Pigs for 300.  
(bing)  
  
M:Your answer is: A talking pig who starred in a children's movie. (bing) Yes, Gilderoy?  
  
L:...I did it again. Sorry.  
(bing)  
  
D:Who is... oh, I heard about this movie. It sucked. Um...  
  
M:(whisper) Another word for a hot girl.  
  
D:Oh! Who is Babe?  
  
M:(feigning surprise) Right again!  
(Babe trots out onstage)  
  
Babe:(in that annoying voice of his) Hi, everybody! (giggles and snorts)  
  
M:(growls) Get that pig offstage! (mutter) I hated that movie...  
(The small naked children from Lord of the Flies run onstage, waving spears and screaming, "Kill the pig! Cut her throat! Bash her in!" Babe squeals and shoots into the audience, followed by the kids)  
  
M:We'll have them here tomorrow. I can hardly wait. (she beams, then looks back to Draco) Your pick, sweetie.  
(the other two contestants aren't doing much; Harry sits playing with his glasses while Lockhart stares, entranced, into the shiny button)  
  
D:Ah--Curses and Bad Stuff Like That for 400.  
(bing)  
  
M:Your answer is: a curse that's 20 times worse than a root canal, nails raking down your back, a rabid rat in your pants, and a splinter.  
(bing)  
  
D:What is the Cructacius Curse?  
  
M:(blink) That's right. How'd you know so fast?  
  
D:...don't ask.  
  
H:(frowns and puts on his glasses) This isn't fair! You're helping him and not us! That's favoritism!  
  
M:That's showbiz, scarface. What is this, Florida? You want a recount? (she scowls, drumming her fingers on the podium) Besides, I didn't even help him on the last one, did I, sugarbunny? (she smiles sweetly at him)  
  
D:This is going to be a looong game...  
(bing)  
  
L:Ack. Did I press it again? So sorry. It's just that I tend to be easily distracted by--ooh... (presses the button)  
(bing)  
  
M:Oh, for the love of God, somebody disconnect this twit's buzzer! (bellows offstage) VINNIE! FRANKIE! TAKE CARE OF THIS LUNKHEAD, WILL YA?!  
(Two '40s gangsters walk onstage; one is slightly heavyset and dressed in black, the other tall and skinny in gray. They both tip their fedoras at Meagan)  
  
Vinnie:Yes, Ms. Wiebler. But ya know--if I had to do somethin' to a high-type fella like this, I'd cry like a baby. Hey, Frankie--Frankie!  
(Frankie has Lockhart in a half-nelson)  
  
Frankie:What?  
  
V:I was sayin'--remember that high-type fella last week? (he pounds his fist threateningly into his open palm) I used 3 handkerchiefs.  
  
F:So, Mr. Graham, where's that 10 Gs you owe us? Huh? (he tightens the grip... Lockhart wheezes)  
  
V:Frankie--  
  
F:Yes, Vinnie?  
  
V:...wrong high-type fella.  
  
F:...oops. Sorry. (keeping Lockhart tight in his grip, he half-tips his hat at Meagan) Pleasure doin' business with ya, Ms. Wiebler. (he pulls Lockhart offstage)  
  
V:(tips his fedora with much less difficulty than Frankie) We'll take care of him good, Ms. Wiebler. Au revoir. (he winks and exits)  
  
M:(dreamy sigh as she looks after him) Vinnie and Frankie appeared in this year's production of "Kiss Me, Kate!" They also do children's birthday parties and bar mitzvahs. (she props her chin on a hand and gazes into the audience) And they'll have a special performance tonight--in my bedroom. (she gives an evil grin)  
  
D:(he blinks a little... then frowns) Heeey, wait a minute...  
  
M:(hurriedly) Ah, anyway... pick again, Draco.  
  
H:(frowns) But there's only two contestants!  
  
M:So? There were only two Muskateers--no, that was three. Hm. Well, there were only two Cabilleros--no, that was three too. Stooges? No. Bears? No. Uh... ah... um... (she scowls, then sticks her tongue out at Harry) Well, there's only two gangsters, and that's all that's needed to break your legs!  
  
H:(pause) Ah. Point taken.  
  
M:Anyway...  
  
H:(mutter to Draco) Alex Trebek never acted like this.  
  
M:Quiet, you! Comb thy noodle with a three-legged stool! (she throws a conveniently placed three-legged school at him; Harry yelps and ducks)  
  
D:(hurriedly picks a category) Gum for 100!  
  
M:(calms a little, running a hand through her hair) Ahem. Your question is: a chewy substance that is commonly found in many different brands and flavors, a favorite snack of today's youth.  
  
(blank stares all around)  
  
H:(whispers to Draco) She's not serious.  
  
D:(whispers back) It can't be as easy as it sounds.  
  
M:(looks about pleasantly) Well? Anybody?  
  
H:(bites his lip, then tentatively presses the button) Um... (bing) What is chicle?  
  
M:Let's see... (checks her answer card camly, then looks up) NO! WRONG! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE! (she starts throwing random items at him; a cushion, a tin bucket, a string of X-mas lights, a live chicken)  
  
H:Ack! (shielding himself with his arms) OW! Stop!  
  
D:(nervously presses his button) Ah... (bing) What is... I can't believe I'm saying this... gum?  
  
M:(pauses, half-ready to bean Harry with a beach ball) Correct! (tosses it at Harry's head)  
  
H:(gets hit and yelps, toppling over backwards and out of sight)  
  
M:Well, I think we all know who's today's winner.  
  
H:(weakly, unseen) Me?  
  
M:No! (beans him with a plastic banana, Harry topples out of sight again) Draco Malfoy!  
(light applause from the audience... ah, heck, the only ones left are a midget playing paddleball and an old guy who's fallen asleep... there's applause anyway) And he'll be coming back at the end of the week to compete against the other two champions. We'll see you there, Draco! (pause, whisper to Draco) But I'll see you in my trailer in five minutes. (wink)  
  
D:(blush... he pauses, then offers a weak grin) Um... okay.  
  
M:We'll be back tomorrow with "Famous Literary Characters Week" on Jeopardy! (lights fade... a yell is heard) Vinnie! Frankie! Get this other kid outta here!


End file.
